The Divorce Tactics Foundation is my gift of sanity to all those people who are stuck in a high conflict divorce. Using this guide will help you through your divorce and you will feel calmer, clearer, and more likely to win.
When caught up in a contentious divorce, it can feel like you've been thrown into a boxing ring with an opponent you must defend at all costs. The problem is that initially, and even during the process, you may not understand the art of combat, what strategies are being used against you, and what strategies might be more effective against the other party.
So I want to break down some basic styles and tactics I see frequently, and advise you, or anyone involved in a contentious divorce, on what's going on and how to respond. These basics won't make you your own advocate, but they will help you see what's going on, what's important, and what you need to do to stay healthy and effective.
There are actually three common approaches to resolving a divorce:
The cooperation modellook for everyone to win.The diplomatic modelSimilarly, he wants everyone to win, but recognizes that a diplomat may need to suffer short-term losses in order to gain long-term gains. But when you're in a contentious divorce, those are not the styles that are at stake. Instead, you stand in frontthe competitive model that wins at all costs, a fight to the death of the relationship in which you are likely to damage it beyond repair. Tactics are aggressive, compromise is a last resort, and fights can be, or appear, petty and underhanded.
You need to keep your senses and remember that your attorney is like a boxing trainer, helping you prepare for your day in court, the day you actually step on the bench for cross-examination. The lawyer can't help you, but he can prepare you, help you conserve his energy and focus, and make sure he hasn't wasted your time, money, and emotional capital on distractions that don't suit you. gain.
Just like boxing, divorce cases are won and lost in the mind. The customer who wins may not be the strongest, but they will always be the smartest when it comes to certain tactics that increase the probability of success.
If you want to win, these are the top four tactics you need to understand and know how to counter.
A divorce lawyer who is a shredder is a constant pusher. Swarmer believes that the best defense is a good offense. And his choice crime is "death by a thousand cuts." A swarmer won't just try to slowly cast doubt on his credibility by throwing every conceivable issue before the judge. He/she will also fight any problem to overwhelm you.
If you're a parent fighting for custody, your crush might address questions like "You let the six-year-old cross the street by himself" or "You were late picking up the child from day care twice last week." Every time you spin, a new one is added.
At the same time, enthusiasts resist compromise. If he asks a judge to award the mother child support, the fan will file a motion to claim that the mother needs the father to pay for "additional child care now that she has to work harder for more money." child support."
The objective of the swarm:Asking the sun, moon, and stars to criticize you for years without issue, forcing you to spend needlessly litigating over those issues and making lots of money in the process.
The Swarm Endgame:The Swarmer keeps the litigation dragging on, but doesn't really have a case. Those thousands of paper-cutting issues don't add up to a win for the client, so the swarm, after charging hefty fees on the case, finally settles at a reasonable, or near-reasonable level, if not. overwhelms. .
What the lover does not want you to know:The swarm strategy is strong evidence that your case is compelling. The Swarmer focuses on the moment when the six-year-old boy was crossing the street unsupervised because he has nothing better, while you could have the occasional knockout.
How to win against a swarm
1. Don't take the bait.Don't react to everything the Swarmer throws at you, or maybe not even half of it. Many of the attempted "cuts" will be in emails and letters. And the court doesn't know about it until it arrives in the form of a motion or is discussed in a judicial conference.
2. Don't worry about the little things.Ask your attorney this key question: On a scale of one to ten, how relevant is this to the main issue in our case? If it's below 4, don't react at all. If it's a 4, 5, or 6, wait and see if anything develops from that. Take notes and keep a journal to track how seriously the hawk moth seems to be taking the problem. Of course, the swarmer will try to inflate the importance of the issues, but even here it could just be a red herring, so be careful.
3. KnowledgeBecauseyou answer.Ask your lawyer: Do I need to invest my resources, time/money/emotional capital to respond to this problem?
4. Stay on point.Know your argument and stick with it. Don't let Swarmer distract you and overwhelm you with nonsense. He is like a politician with talking points that he brings the discussion back to. It may feel good to fire back at the latest insult or hit, but when you do, you're playing on the Swarmer's strategy by energizing it.arearguments Get out of the way, refocus on your own reasoning, and let the swarm crash into midair.
Brawlers, unlike Swarmers, have more than just "paper cut" punches - they're armed with troubles that you can knock out with a double hit. You know or imply that you are a workaholic who is always abroad trying to get sole custody while the other parent works from home and could be paying more attention to the child. Maybe you had affairs and blamed the children. Or he had an addiction problem or a criminal record or financial entanglements.
It takes an elite defense to take on Brawlers, and getting to that level of defense has as much to do with you as it does with your attorney.
How to win against a brawler
1. Talk to your lawyer about strong weaknesses right away.Admitting the truth early in litigation is difficult for many clients, but it is essential. Sit down with your attorney, or better yet, write a long email (uploaded to a secure client portal, not Gmail) and then sit down with them a week later and really tell them the truth. If you don't, there is a high probability that it will be destroyed later, and you will also have to pay the other party's legal fees.
2. Give your attorney any leverage you have against your ex to end the case.Maybe you're a workaholic, but the other guy is a cocaine addict or child pornography watcher. Make sure your lawyer knows.
3. Don't make up accusations.Again, the caveats "You will be destroyed and you will pay the other party's legal fees" apply.
4. When you have the goods, fight back.Fighters can rely too much on Knockout Strikes. If you are 100% sure that the accusations the other party is making against you are nonsense, your attorney may duck, weave, and cover while the bully takes aim during the trial and tries to undermine your credibility, neutralize.
5. Stay on point.When you're up against a fighter, the only way to win is to know your argument and stick with it.
Not every fight is a knockout. One particular breed of lawyer, the docket collective I call the Boxer, seems to adhere to the legal equivalent of the Hippocratic oath: first, do no harm. Boxers don't focus on taking down the other side, they focus on building a defense. They can swing and move so well that it's hard to hit them where it hurts. The elite levels of the form use devastating counters as their offense, creating a counter problem as strong as any offense the opposing counsel can throw at it.
Boxing lawyers are patient and quick, waiting for opportunities and then attacking. You can withstand attack and have the self-control to use aggression only when appropriate and appropriate.
How to win against a boxer:
1. Know that boxers are unlikely to reach a momentous moment that will destroy their credibility.The ultimate goal is to win more arguments than you do overall, so that when the court weighs all the factors, the odds are in your favor, not you.
2. Work on narrative control.For example, if they are trying to get a large chunk of child support by claiming that you are using your business to pay for large personal expenses, don't be fooled and focus on defending yourself. Instead, turn the narrative into an insult and hit them with a “father is underemployed” backlash, and try to actually use child support as spousal support. You now have a real fight and when the dust clears you will be ahead in the points if your attorney is skilled enough and prepared enough.
3. Stay on point.Remember, you can prevent a boxer from winning on points by winning on points yourself and giving the court reasons for your support that don't rely on "I didn't do what the other said." focus on pointsOfwant to do, not dictated by the other side.
The Top Dogs are expensive elite lawyers who have the defensive prowess of the Boxer with the punching power of the Brawler and the Swarmer's ability to apply relentless pressure. These attorneys are often named partners with multiple associates. Billing is also popular with these die-hards.
When your ex hired a top dog, you and your divorce lawyer face a real test. The only way to beat this type of lawyer, and it is possible, is to hire an elite accountant (the most skilled of all boxers). This case won't end early unless the Top Dog gets distracted by other bigger cases in the office. The best dogs will not be your best friend. They will be rude and obnoxious or coldly distant and super professional. You will work to control the dynamics of the divorce. But you can stop them if you make them pay every time they try to hurt you.
When the courtroom fight takes place between two main dogs, yours and theirs, prepare for one of two scenarios. There is the possibility of a quick deal, with each side naming a figure to close things out quickly. But more than likely, you'll be up against a pointless 12-round fight where the paired dogs win gold-plated fees and no one gets hurt in the end – professional courtesy. Unless you like the idea of a long and expensive legal battle, hiring an elite boxer is the best way to go toe-to-toe with a leading dog.
How to win against a top dog:
1. Respond strategically, not instinctively.Ignore about 95% of what they say, but have lists of three to five strong responses every time they try to hurt you by damaging your credibility at conferences. hurt them too.
2. Make your moves when the top dog is muzzled.This happens twice in divorce: during testimony and during cross-examination.
3. By making the statement, show that you can hurt the Top Dog customer.If you can do this, he/she may be willing to steer clear of unreasonable positions and thus shorten your litigation.
4. Use expert counterattacks when cross-examining. This is the hard way to win, but it is possible, especially if you give your lawyer an advantage in two simple ways:
to. Ask the judge to order two court clerks so he can receive the diaries, which are the court records for each day. This allows your lawyer to get up at dawn to review the records for weaknesses and bring real power to cross-examination, as it is possible to use the other party's testimony against you.
b. Have an extra set of ears during the trial, not necessarily another experienced attorney, but a paralegal who can hear things that you or your attorney cannot.
Even a general understanding of these tactics and the basic ways to respond to them will help you stay focused. Whenever he feels overwhelmed, remember: the party that is the smartest, most reasonable, and most strategic will most likely win. And this party can beOf.
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FAQs
How can I get a quick divorce in NY? ›
As long as you have a complete separation agreement (more on that below), the quickest way to get an uncontested divorce in New York is to state on your paperwork (under oath) that your marriage has been broken "irretrievably" for six months.
Can I get a divorce without my spouse's signature in New York? ›Here in New York, it is possible to get a divorce with only one spouse's signature. While it is often referred to as a “no signature required” divorce, that is a bit of a misnomer. All reasonable measures must be taken to locate and notify your spouse of your intention to divorce.
What is uncontested divorce? ›An uncontested divorce is a divorce where the parties are capable of discussing their differences before-hand and coming to mutually acceptable agreements in respect of all issues between them. Once this type of consensus is reached, the parties no longer have any issues which need to be fought about in Court.
How much is a divorce in NY? ›The Filing Fee
An uncontested divorce costs at least $335 in total court and filing fees. This does not include the cost of a lawyer, photocopies, notary fees, transportation, mailing, process server fees, etc.
Some uncontested divorces are resolved as quickly as six weeks, while others can take six months or more. Since New York does not have a waiting period, a divorce that both parties agree on takes roughly 3 months for the papers to be filed with the court.
What is a wife entitled to in a divorce in New York? ›What Am I Entitled to in a Divorce in NY? Under New York's equitable distribution laws, only your “marital property” will be divided during a divorce in NY. This means that you and your spouse will get to keep any separate property that was brought into the marriage.
Does a husband have to support his wife during separation? ›Spouses do not need an Order of Separate Maintenance and Support to live separately, but it can help the spouses protect their financial interests and resolve visitation and custody issues during the separation period.
Can someone divorce you without you signing papers? ›In California, the only reason a person needs to get a divorce is that the person wants out of the marriage. You do not need your spouse to agree to end the marriage or sign the divorce documents. As long as you meet the legal requirements for a divorce, you can get divorced without your spouse signing any documents.
Can you get divorced without the other person knowing? ›On the face of it this may sound like an unusual question, but in fact in some cases, yes it is possible for you to be divorced without your knowledge. The reason for this is because a divorce petition does not always require the other party to respond in order for the divorce to be granted by the Court.
How do you get a quick divorce? ›By opting for an online divorce instead of hiring family law solicitors, you'll be able to speed through the process quickly without any court appearances and without the high costs.
What are the five stages of divorce? ›
There are two processes in divorce.
It's tough to say which is more challenging. The emotional process can be broken down into 5 stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. D-A-B-D-A. Those 5 stages represent grief over the loss of a relationship and marriage.
An uncontested divorce can be finalised in four to six weeks depending on the court roll. It is not necessary for both parties to appear together in court, therefore, only the plaintiff will give evidence and conclude the divorce before a magistrate or judge, depending on the court in which the divorce was instituted.
Who pays for divorce in NY? ›Under New York law, a court can direct either spouse to pay attorney's fees, and expenses for expert fees to enable the other spouse to maintain and defend the divorce action.
Is NY A 50/50 State for divorce? ›New York is not community property or a “50/50” state. New York is an equitable distribution state for property and debt. Under NY divorce law for property distribution, the court will decide how to divide property and marital debt using the state's equitable distribution laws.
What is the cheapest way to get a divorce in NYC? ›New York recognizes "no fault" divorce as a grounds for a divorce. In a no-fault divorce, neither spouse has to claim in the divorce papers or prove that the other spouse is at fault to end their marriage. Filing for a no-fault uncontested divorce is the easiest, fastest, cheapest and most stress-free type of divorce.
Does it matter who files for divorce first in NY? ›Under New York divorce laws, it generally does not make a difference who files for divorce first. The party who initiates the divorce proceedings is known as the petitioner, while the other party is known as the respondent.
Do you have to be separated for a year to get a divorce in NY? ›The grounds in which you file for divorce in New York determine how long you have to be separated from your spouse before filing. For a “no-fault” divorce, you must be separated from your spouse for at least one year. If you are seeking a divorce based on fault, the amount of time separated will depend on the grounds.
What is the longest divorce in New York? ›GREAT NECK, N.Y. (CBSNewYork) -- A Long Island man is claiming a crooked court system and an unrelenting wife are to blame for one of the longest-running divorce cases in New York State. Joseph Yerushalmi of Great Neck has been trying to divorce his wife for the past 12 years, 1010 WINS' Carol D'Auria reported.
How many years do you have to be married to get alimony in NY? ›There is no specific timeframe on how long a couple in New York needs to be married for one spouse to receive alimony. How long the couple was married can influence how long the spouse receives spousal support.
How much do I have to pay my wife after divorce? ›If the alimony is being paid in the form of monthly payments, the Supreme Court of India has set 25% of the net monthly salary that should be granted to the wife by the husband. In case, the alimony is being paid in the form of a lump-sum amount, it usually ranges between 1/5th to 1/3rd of the husband's total worth.
Is spouse entitled to 401k in divorce in NY? ›
Under New York State law, retirement accounts are considered marital property, but only to the extent that the asset-owner earned the funds during the marriage. A party who enters the marriage with retirement savings will most likely be entitled to keep the premarital portion savings as separate property.
Who pays household bills during separation? ›Who is responsible for the bills during the separation? Ultimately, the person whose name is listed on the bills is responsible for them.
Who pays the bills in a marriage? ›If the bill that was incurred is for an expense that arose during the marriage, such as a utility bill or a medical bill, the bill is likely subject to a 50/50 split between the spouses. This holds true even if the bills are primarily only in one of the spouse's names.
Can a wife open her husband's mail? ›Is it legal for a wife to open her husbands mail? If you open mail addressed only to your spouse or to your ex-spouse, your actions could have serious consequences. Under the law, tampering with, hiding or opening mail addressed to someone else, even if to your spouse or ex-spouse, is a Federal crime.
What happens if one spouse doesn't want a divorce? ›If you don't want a divorce but your spouse does, you have few options if your spouse has made up his mind. You may try to talk through your issues as a couple, and you may consider marriage counseling or legal separation for a period of time. What's most important, however, is not to be legally uncooperative.
Can a husband deny divorce? ›One can even seek Divorce when the other party is not willing to give divorce. This is a Contested Divorce and a petition for the same can be filed in the Court having appropriate jurisdiction. Thus, you do not need the consent of your spouse to file a Divorce Petition in the appropriate Court.
What should I do immediately after divorce? ›- Ask for Help. "Join a divorce support group or find a compassionate therapist, and talk about what happened in your marriage," Dr. ...
- Wallow Constructively. ...
- Focus on the Positive. ...
- Forgive Yourself. ...
- Take Care of Number One. ...
- Build on Your Little Victories. ...
- Don't Drag the Kids Into Drama. ...
- Prepare for Friends to Take Sides.
It is a myth that you can just get an automatic divorce after five years of separation without your spouse being involved. If you can't locate your ex-partner then you must show the court that you have done your utmost to find them.
Can I divorce after 2 years separation without consent? ›When deciding whether a separation is continuous, courts will ignore any cohabiting period of six months or less. But, periods of time for which the parties cohabit do not count towards the period of separation. They must have lived separate and apart for at least two years.
Can a divorced person be single? ›As a single person, you are not legally bound to anyone—unless you have a dependent. You can be considered as single if you have never been married, were married but then divorced, or have lost your spouse. It is possible to be single at multiple times in your life.
What is the easiest state to get a divorce? ›
Alaska, Nevada, and South Dakota can usually finalize a divorce in just under two months. Of course, each divorce is different and your particular circumstances could cause a delay. For example, the fastest divorces are ones in which you and your Soon-to-Be-Ex agree on everything (an uncontested divorce).
What is the quickest time to get a divorce? ›A divorce or dissolution will take at least 6 months to complete, even if your circumstances are straightforward. It might take longer if you need to sort out issues with money, property or children. These things will be dealt with separately to your divorce or dissolution.
How can I get a divorce in 15 days? ›It is impossible to file divorce within 15 days of marriage,the limitation is under marriage act is one year and only you can nullify the marriage by filing for nullification within period of one year of the marriage, which is not divorce, the entire nullification proceedings has to be completed within one year if the ...
At what age is divorce hardest? ›Elementary school age (6–12) This is arguably the toughest age for children to deal with the separation or divorce of their parents.
What is the hardest stage of divorce? ›Perhaps the most difficult period of divorce is the “separation period.” That is the time between when you decide to get a divorce, and the date when you are actually divorced.
What age does divorce peak? ›People between the ages of 25 to 39 make up 60% of all divorces. Couples on average are most likely to go through their first divorce at age 30. People married less than 10 years seem to divorce the most.
What can wife claim in divorce? ›After they are divorced, the wife has the right to ask for maintenance and livelihood costs for her and her children, however, she cannot ask for the property in a divorce settlement. For example: The husband buys an apartment for his wife and himself after they get married, and it is registered in his name.
What happens in first hearing of contested divorce? ›Judge will ask you to appoint advocate and file written Statement as reply to the Divorce petition and if you are willing to give divorce , the contested divorce petition can be amended in mutual consent divorce petition with the consent of both of you.
What are the 3 grounds for divorce? ›1) Continuous absence of seven years. 2) Non-consummation of marriage within one year. 3) Unsound mind provided the other spouse was unaware of the fact at the time of marriage and the divorce must be filed within three years of marriage.
Who gets the car in a divorce in NY? ›However, although you may view the car as “yours”, usually, the car is considered a marital asset and is owned by both the husband and the wife. If the car was purchased after the marriage, it does not matter that title is in one party's name. The car is considered a marital asset and is owned by both parties.
What is a wife entitled to in a divorce in NY? ›
What Am I Entitled to in a Divorce in NY? Under New York's equitable distribution laws, only your “marital property” will be divided during a divorce in NY. This means that you and your spouse will get to keep any separate property that was brought into the marriage.
How is a house split in a divorce in NY? ›New York courts must divide the marital property “equitably.” That means fairly, considering the circumstances of the case and of the parties involved, but it does not necessarily mean “equally.” There is no statutory requirement of a 50/50 split of marital property.
How long does divorce take in NY? ›Some uncontested divorces are resolved as quickly as six weeks, while others can take six months or more. Since New York does not have a waiting period, a divorce that both parties agree on takes roughly 3 months for the papers to be filed with the court.
What is the average cost for a divorce lawyer in New York? ›In New York State, the average hourly cost of a divorce lawyer is $175-325 per hour. However, New York City lawyers tend to be more expensive, averaging $340 per hour,7 but can cost you upwards of $800 or more per hour.
How much does a lawyer charge for an uncontested divorce in NY? ›How Much Does the Average Divorce Cost in New York? The average cost of a New York divorce is about $16,000. However, you know it's a lot more complicated than that. An uncontested divorce will cost you about $5500 on average, while litigation costs a whopping $27,000.
How do I file for divorce in NY without a lawyer? ›If you and your spouse have resolved all financial and parenting issues, and you do not have a lawyer, you can use the free Uncontested Divorce Forms Packet. You must first read the Uncontested Divorce Forms Packet Instructions before trying to complete the process on your own.
Can you get a divorce without going to court in New York? ›You must go to the New York State Supreme Court in your county. All divorces in New York State are handled in the county Supreme Courts. Family Court can order child support and/or child custody, but cannot grant a divorce.
What is the easiest divorce in NY? ›New York recognizes "no fault" divorce as a grounds for a divorce. In a no-fault divorce, neither spouse has to claim in the divorce papers or prove that the other spouse is at fault to end their marriage. Filing for a no-fault uncontested divorce is the easiest, fastest, cheapest and most stress-free type of divorce.
Can you get divorced same day? ›No in one week it's not possible to get a mutual divorce. After the filing the first petition and recording the statement of both the parties, the court generally adjourns the matter for a period of 6 months.
Can you get a divorce overnight? ›Divorce cannot happen overnight. In fact, many states have a divorce waiting period. This means a certain amount of time must pass between the time you separate and/or the time you file for divorce and the time your marriage is officially over.
Can you date while separated in NY? ›
However, if you have a notarized and signed separation agreement, you can legally live apart from your spouse before finalizing your divorce. This also enables you to date another person if you so choose.
How long after divorce can you remarry in New York? ›Most states, including New York, do not have post-divorce waiting periods, though. So most of the time, as soon as you have the final court order in hand, you can get remarried.
What is the number one thing for divorce? ›Lack of commitment is the most common reason given by divorcing couples according to a recent national survey. Here are the reasons given and their percentages: Lack of commitment 73% Argue too much 56%
What age is divorce easiest? ›On average, children aged 6-10yrs old are least affected by divorces; however, children aged 1-2yrs old's seem to be the most affected. Every marriage goes through its good times and bad times; however, when children become involved in the equation, the stakes become even higher.
Is NY A 50/50 state for divorce? ›New York is not community property or a “50/50” state. New York is an equitable distribution state for property and debt. Under NY divorce law for property distribution, the court will decide how to divide property and marital debt using the state's equitable distribution laws.
What is the best month to get divorced? ›A few of the top reasons to file for divorce in January include: Being prepared for the next tax year – Most divorces are completed within a year. By filing in January, then, a spouse can increase the odds of qualifying to file as head of household or single for the next tax year.
Can I get divorced for free? ›With your court fees covered, DIY is the only method of obtaining a free divorce, but it's only viable if you and your spouse agree to the divorce and why you're getting one.
What is emotional abandonment in a marriage? ›In the context of a marriage, the feelings of neglect, being left out, and not being heard are collectively referred to as emotional abandonment. It occurs when one partner is so preoccupied with their own concerns that they are unable to notice the struggles, concerns, or problems their partner is experiencing.
Which state has quickest divorce? ›Alaska is notoriously fast at finalizing a divorce. Alaska, Nevada, and South Dakota can usually finalize a divorce in just under two months.